Oh dear, the terms. Sorry to be formal but you know it makes sense.

This house is freehold, has a mortgage and no other claims on it.

When you make me an offer one of two things will happen

1. You offer me the asking price or more. I put up a 'Sold STC' sign and take it off the market for three weeks.
   
   
2. You offer me less than the asking price. I don't put up a 'Sold STC' and don't take it off the market until exchange of contracts.
   

Either way I expect you to exchange within three weeks and complete a month later. Sure, I'm flexible on dates but I won't wait for ever.

I'll ask you some penetrating questions about your situation including whether you have funding in place and if you're in a chain. I'm not in a chain, believing it's better to move into temporary accommodation rather than hold up a load of house buyers.

I don't need a deposit but you'll have to convince me you're serious. I won't take your children as collateral.

You'll need a lawyer who understands this webby internetty thingy and can write emails. There must be one somewhere. Mine can. This way, they can't blame the post for being slow.

And........finally. Involving lawyers in a house purchase is as bad as having them for a divorce. I won't let my lawyer become confrontational and I expect yours to behave as well. If there are any problems, talk to me direct. I'll do anything and everything to make the purchase as easy and stress free as possible. I'll even leave the llightbulbs.

So, there we are.  It was small print really.